A Life Less Testosteroney

Putting my two girls to bed is a task that usually consists largely of about an hour of me lying on my bed browsing on my phone and periodically yelling at them to put their pajamas on and brush their teeth, and tonight was no different. As usual I was on the Reddit app, scrolling through my feed, when a post from a book recommendation subreddit caught my eye. In honor of President’s Day, one intrepid user had typed up a massive post listing the past 44 Presidents of the United States and, for each, one or more biography recommendations. There was really nothing remarkable about this post, save perhaps its length, but for some reason it really stuck in my craw. For starters, just a few weeks ago (around Martin Luther King Day) I came to the (obvious, I realize, yet long overdue) realization that we have not a single federal holiday devoted to a woman. And to be honest I have half a mind to give my girls a school holiday on Sally Ride’s birthday and tell the school exactly what I’m doing. (It’s May 26th, by the way, which sounds like a perfect playground day to me.) Anyway, this post just kind of irked me for no particular reason, and it seemed like the most sensible thing to do would be to ignore my to-do list and sink full of dishes and respond with my own post of biographies of the First Ladies.

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Scene From That Night I Went Upstairs with a Young Chris McDaniel During A Frat Party

For reference: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/senator-chirs-mcdaniel-mississippi-birth-control-abortion-liberal-women-marches-washington-dc-a7542636.html

So this is your room, huh? Nice. I like it. Very neat. I could probably bounce a quarter off those sheets, ha ha. No, no just a joke. I like your flag. Very Sam Eagle, all of it. Cool Scarface poster. Oh, you want to sit down? That’s cool. I’ll just sit right here on the bed. Should I use a coaster under this or–thanks. Can I flip through your CDs? Oh – you want to make out for awhile? Sure, sure. You’re right it is hot in here. I am better without my top on, thanks! Oh – one thing before we get started – I’m not on birth control. Yeah, well, it’s like $50 a month out of pocket and I am on a student budget…I guess maybe when I get married I can split it with my husband, but for now, it’s just me! I typically ask the guys I sleep with to contribute, if I’m in a relationship I just send a Venmo request once a month. I call it Pay to Play, ha ha. But sometimes they argue they shouldn’t have to pay if they didn’t get enough sex that month, so it gets tricky. Then I started figuring out, like, the “cost-per-bone” in advance, kind of like a vagina admission fee, before I just quit altogether. So condoms it is! You don’t mind, right? I’m sure that’s what kids these days are switching to now anyway. All condoms, all the time. That’s what you guys wanted, right? You must be super pumped! I mean, I brought some, but do you have some too? Whose should we use? We could switch off, I guess. Do you want me to start a spreadsheet so we can keep track? Oh you know what – mine is expired. I got it from Planned Parenthood so I guess that tells you how old it is! Do you think it still works?

I mean, I guess if you wanted we could try the “Rhythm Method.” I’ve done some reading, I think I could figure it out. Question though: if I make a mistake and end up pregnant, is it totally my fault or just half my fault? Do you still have to pay child support? Maybe you should just come check my cervical mucus with me and tell me if you think it looks like egg white or not. Or would that totally kill the mood? No, no I get it. You could feel my cervix instead if you – no? Oh ok. It’s no big deal, right? We’ll just take our chances. You look smart, you could probably support a kid or two right now! Ooh, hey, can I borrow this Nickelback CD?

Look, I know what you’re probably thinking now, and you’re right. We definitely shouldn’t be having premarital sex anyway. I really admire your principals. I totally agree – I’ll get dressed now. Thanks for helping me through that weak moment. We should totally go remind everyone else downstairs too. Maybe even go to a few more parties, hit the streets when the clubs get out at 2:00. No sex for anyone, ha ha! I’m sure they’ll agree. Can you hand me my underwear? Thanks!

Quick question though – I mean, I’m sure all 107 million-plus unmarried adults in America won’t have a problem being celibate – I mean, look at you and your friends! You’re all doing awesome! I’m sure you’ll TOTALLY all stay celibate until marriage, just like me and all my friends! But when we DO get married, can we use birth control then? Married guys like condoms right? Unless you’re super fancy and can afford birth control out of pocket…oh excuse me while I take my diamond pillbox out of my gold purse, lol. They probably just take their chances with NFP though; married people can have all the kids they want and no one cares! I’m sure my body can handle a ton of pregnancies, I’m pretty strong. As long as I don’t need back to back c-sections. I mean there’s only so many times they can saw through your abdominal wall, amirite? It’s cool though, I know back in the day lots of couples just went cold turkey after the first couple kids – I mean, it was like a whole subplot in Gone With the Wind and everything. If Ashley can do it, anyone can do it! He’s such a guy’s guy. Oh it’s just this movie that – actually, you probably shouldn’t see it, things don’t go so well for Mississippi.

Anyway, I don’t mean to scare you off with all this marriage talk, I’m totally not one of those girls. Unless you…no? Ok. So anyway, yeah. Thanks for the pep talk – I am officially “Closed for Business.” I’ll spread the word back at the sorority house too. With any luck, soon it will be lights out for pretty much everyone! Wow…I’m almost jealous. You’re going to be super popular for kicking this off. Good times ahead for sure. I’m so glad you and your friends were around to talk some sense into everyone. We’ll probably get a lot more done with sex just totally off the table. Maybe we’ll finally figure out this whole “Israel” thing, or come up with a viable replacement for the Affordable Care Act! That’s what you want, right? Well, if you change your mind, let us know. Just send maybe like, I don’t know, 4.6 million guys should do it. Send them over – they can walk, it’s not that far. Ok then! So like, should I put my number in your phone, or do you want – oh yeah, that’s right Jeff is dating Macie’s roommate, and she and I have a class together, so…yeah, you know where to find me!